#840 Famous and Infamous Drinking Quotes

I was cleaning out my computer of unwanted documents and stuff when I ran across these quotations. I have had them since 2004. Some of them are more than mildly amusing. So, get a bottle/glass/case of your favorite malt libation and enjoy.

Collected from various internet sources, including email sigs and Daniel

Huckaby of tamu.edu .

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,

that's as good as they're going to feel all day.            ... Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.

... William Butler Yeats           

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his

fools.            ... For Whom the Bell Tolls Ernest Hemingway           

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep

your mouth shut.            ... Ernest Hemingway           

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.            ...

Dean Martin           

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness or as good as drink.

... G.K. Chesterton           

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.            ... Catherine

Zandonella           

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a

pleasure.            ... Ambrose Bierce           

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.            ... W.C.

Fields           

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

... W.C. Fields           

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?            ... W.C.

Fields           

I would rather commit adultery than drink a glass of beer.             ... Lady

Astor, Social reformer            

Who wouldn't?            ... A voice from the crowd            

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.             ... Lady

Astor to Winston Churchill           

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.            ... Winston Churchill's

reply           

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.            ...

David Daye           

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.            ... Oscar Wilde           

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.            ... Henny

Youngman           

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.            ...

Tom Waits           

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall

asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo,

let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...            ... Brian O'Rourke           

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.

Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does

not go nearly as well with pizza.            ... Dave Barry's Bad Habits           

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I

have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with

slightly over half that quantity of beer.            ... Postpetroleum Guzzler

Dave Barry           

Adhere to the Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a pig

wouldn't eat.            ... David Geary           

you don't like jail? naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there.            ...

Charles Bukowski           

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes

beer shoot out your nose.            ... Deep Thought, Jack Handy           

One more drink and I'd be under the host.            ... Dorothy Parker           

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry

Manilow.            ... Dave Barry           

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen,

for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in

beer.            ... Dave Barry           

My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find that

workouts cut into my drinking time.            ... A Wolverine is Eating My Leg

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.            ...

Humphrey Bogart           

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.            ...

David Moulton           

A drink a day keeps the shrink away.            ... Edward Abbey           

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like

to pee a lot.            ... Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI           

Put it back in the horse!            ... H. Allen Smith, an American humorist in

the '30s-'50s, after he drank his first American beer at a bar.           

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline--it helps

if you have some kind of football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the

very least you need a beer.            ... Frank Zappa           

They proceed with the speed of rockets to the northeast corner of the

universe, which George percieved to be shaped exactly like a pint of beer,

in which the nebulae were the ascending bubbles.            ... John Collier,

The Devil, George, and Rosie           

A *good* beer is one that sells! You may think it sucks but if the market

embraces it, so be it. Now a *great* beer or world class beer is another

matter....            ... Jim Busch           

I am the first man south of the Mason-Dixon line to brew a drinkable

home-brew.            ... H.L. Mencken, in "Heathen Days"           

American Beer is a lot like making love in a row boat- It's f__king close to

water!            ... Monty Python's Eric Idle           

Give a man a beer, waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, and waste a lifetime!

... Bill Owen           

Okay, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me. Let's just  take this

exam so I can get back to killing you with beer.            ... Homer Simpson

They can have my beer when they pry it out of my cold, dead hand.            ...

Ben Schwalb           

I have never been into wine. I'm a beer man. What I like about beer is you

basically just drink it and order more. You don't sniff at it, or hold it up

to the light and slosh it around, or drone on and on about it, the way

people do with wine. Your beer drinker tends to be a straightforward,

decent, friendly, down-to-earth person, whereas your serious wine fancier

tends to be an insufferable snot.            ... Dave Barry           

The hardest part about making beer is siphoning it into bottles. This is

tricky, because what can happen is the phone rings and you get involved in a

lengthy conversation during which your 4 year-old son gets hold of the hose

and spews premature beer, called "wort", all over the kitchen and himself,

and you become the target of an investigation by child welfare authorities

because yours is the only child who comes to preschool smelling like a

fraternity carpet.            ... Dave Barry           

DO RE MI DRINK ------------------------------------------ DOUGH... the

stuff... that buys me beer RAY... the guy that sells me beer ME... the

one... who drinks the beer FAR... a long run to get beer SO... I'll have

another beer LA... I'll have another beer TEA... no, thanks, I'm drinking

beer That will bring us back to (looks into empty glass) D'OH!            ... Homer

Simpson's beer song           

The following quotes appear to be anonymous:

*            Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.

*            Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

*            Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.

*            Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all

of the time and have the time of your life.

*            24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

*            It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.

*            Life is too short to drink cheap beer.

*            Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore

*            Beer is the reason I get up every afternoon.

*            Beer: Nature's laxative.

*            Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother!

*            Beer is good food.

*            Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer.

*            If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, I'd take the nothing...

*            Draft beer, not people!

*            My favorite black-and-tan is a "mother-in-law": a mixture of stout

and bitter.

*            If I saved all the money I've spent on beer, I'd spend it on beer.

#840