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Monday, January 07, 2008

#351 The 2007 Darwin Awards

I was going to post something about religion and Santayana until I opened the email with the following. Being as it is Monday, and we all need a laugh, I decided to post this instead.

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember... They walk among us!!! ***

#351

10 comments:

bronxbt said...

one helluva smile you gave me this AM, my friend.. thank you.

maybe fuzziechadsrule can return the favor for you.

even funnier, i sent a package to Yplstanti, MI this holiday season... (#9)

Gledwood said...

They walk among us?

Space aliens (so I'm told) do too.

(Hmmm?!??!???)

:-=\

sage said...

these are always funny, even if they're made up by someone, they're still funny. thanks

Karen said...

*** Remember... They walk among us!!! ***

Ya think!?!

{sheepish grin}

Hale McKay said...

My latest venture into macabre fiction has been posted. (You may seen the notice at the top of my sidebar.)

I hope you, my best critic will enjoy
Echoes of Eddie.

I love those types of stories, i.e., stupid people, dumb crooks, etc.

Polly said...

"Understandably he shot her".
What????

What???

Now that can't be funny especially in America!!! Too scary!

It is not that they walk amongst us, they actually are us! It is our responsibility..look to the education system..all should be free and fair...
there you go I spoilt it...

Damsel Underdressed said...

That was hilarious. I especially liked the one about the Zimbabwean bus driver. How clever!

Jack K. said...

Thank you all for your kind comments.

No, Polly, you did not spoil it. But, you might want to lighten up a bit. lol

Skunkfeathers said...

It may well be true that aliens walk amongst us; if one lives in New Mexico, both kinds are reputed to be there in varied degrees of abundance.

Now, if an alien life form from an advanced race teleported into a 7-11, pulled a phaser and demanded to elope with the Slurpee machine, and in a moment of protoplasmic obfuscation, looked to see that the business end of the phaser had inadvertently come to rest in Milk Duds, and making a six-eyed closer examination, it went off -- not on stun -- I would venture to say that not only would there be vindication for interstellarizing the Darwin Awards, but that ALF would probably get another shot on prime time TV.

Of course, this is all speculative, based on absolutely nothing whatsoever, but I digress.

Peter said...

The Darwin Awards always bring forth some stories that are hard to swallow but none more than #10 this year.