#213 Jerk or Nice Guy, the Choice is Mine

Reading a recent web log posting written by LBB has caused me to ponder some seemingly imponderables. Reading that posting spurred me on to write about something that has been on my mind recently. It reminded me of "please help me" articles I read in the paper about how a woman is dissatisfied with the abusive male she is currently seeing/dating/living with. Essentially the question to be answered is as simple and as complex as this: Can a couple ever be satisfied with the behavior of their partner? And the simple and complex response is NO. However, do not despair. It is possible to learn to BE together. It is not always easy. It is possible.

The only expertise I bring to the discussion is 40 years of marriage to the same woman. I have learned a lot over those years. I am convinced that it is possible for a couple to spend that much time together and learn from the other.

Many, many years ago it was brought to my attention that the home in which I lived was our home. We both had a responsibility to make it just that, a home of ours. One of the things that struck me was our different views of the world. That should not be surprising, given our backgrounds and experiences. We can both view the same scene and have different visions. For instance, I can see the room as a place that is lived in, while my wife sees a mess. It is a case of Separate Realities.

It is possible to come to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, I can adapt to the situation to make it easier for the both of us. After all, who is better at changing my behaviors than me? To that end I have to accept some responsibility for the way things are turning out.

One of the things LBB mentioned was to adapt the nice guy approach and be a jerk at times too. Not a bad idea. Not one I personally will endorse, but the lad may be on to something.

In coming up with the list that follows I thought about those experiences that helped reinforce what my wife was asking of me. First, my mother was a rather strict disciplinarian. Second, she demanded that my brother and I learn to take care of ourselves. (He has said that she let us raise ourselves. There is a modicum of truth to that.) Third, military basic training instilled the need to maintain my belongings/equipment/area of responsibility neat and in working order. It also reinforced/re-taught the value of "taking orders."

So, gents, here is a list of things that you can add to your behavioral repertoire. Caveat: Do not do everything at once. A pseudo-manipulative approach might be to wait until you are told to do something several times and then do it. Caveat #2: Ignore the first caveat.

Now for the list. (BTW, should you think of things to add to the list, do so in a comment, or at your own site with an appropriate link.)

• When you are finished with something, put it back where it belongs.
• If you can't put dirty dishes in the dishwasher because it is full of clean dishes, empty the dishwasher.
• If you don't have a dishwasher, wash the dishes.
• Put the seat down. It ain't that difficult.
• Make the bed when you get up for the day.
• Keep one space for yourself that you can leave a mess. (It should not be in eyesight of anyone but you.)
• Thank your partner for EVERY good thing.
• If necessary, and it will be, make notes to remind you of important events. Yes a doctor's appointment is an important event. So are birthdays and anniversaries.
• When you are about to run an errand, e.g., get more beer, ask if your partner needs anything.
• Divide the household chores. BTW, the vacuum cleaner is a power too.
  
• Learn where the strengths and weaknesses of each of you cross paths. It is possible your differences will cancel each other so you will have most situations covered. This will become more recognizable as you "mature." You will both share corporate memory duties.
  
• Remember a relationship is not a 50/50 situation, it is a 100/100 situation. In fact you will be better off if you give 110% to the relationship.
• Do not abuse or accept abuse.

While our society is predicated on the concept of throwing things away if the don't work properly, that should not apply to relationships. When you decide to spend a lifetime with someone, make sure you mean it. Make sure you are ready to make the requisite changes. You both will happier for it. Well, at least you will, because that is your choice.

#213