#132 It's Friday the thirteenth....

and I'm in Manhattan, KS. This is the first of the two weekends that I work this month. It will give me some time to get caught up on a number of things.

I have been contemplating another report about my El Paso trip. So, I will make some comments and decide how long to leave them here.

As I think back on the visit, a sad thought comes to my mind. Whenever I walk into that house I am greeted with a force field of negative energy. It is absolutely palpable. It is draining, sad and demoralizing. I find it difficult to understand why folks will choose to live like that. They seem to derive some joy in their own misery and the misery of others.

I know my brother tries to be happy there. I admit openly that he is the hero and I am the coward. He is the one who chose to take care of our mother as she is nearing the end of her mission. I have even told our mother that very same thing.

I am glad I had the opportunity to listen to her tell me of the many things that have happened to her in her lifetime. It is no wonder that she interacts with us the way she does.

Last Tuesday morning prior to my leaving El Paso we were talking about things that made her happy. Interestingly enough being on the road as a salesperson brought her the most joy in her life. Even knowing at that time my brother and I were raising ourselves for all intents and purposes. She never once talked about being a mother and raising us. I am sure if it were to happen today we would both be in foster care.

My brother mentioned to me, that we are lucky to not have ended up in jail for the most of our lives. I did spend one night in the county jail as a high school senior and he worked as a corrections officer, but we both managed to make some success of our lives.

However, in defense of her, she was the same kind of mother that her mother was. How else could she be? That was her role model. Her mother was rather self-centered and wanted to be in control of everything. Mom rebelled at that. She has been rebelling all of her life, whether it was necessary or not.

I feel sorry for her. She knows no joy. Her happiest moments are when she believes she is complete control. She knows not what a home is. She does know about a house, but not a home. She is a difficult woman to love. She seems to avoid being in any kind of loving relationship. All of the folks who should have loved her didn't do a good job of it. The one exception was her father, at least to hear her tell it. Unfortunately, he died when she was a teenager. From that time on she took the reins and would not share them with anyone. She carries some animosity against a number of people whom she believes wronged her. Since that is her reality, I will not, nor cannot, ignore it, or make light of it. It does help me to understand her a little better.

Mom did say that she felt compelled to try to "protect" my younger, and only, sibling. She and my non-biological father believed that I had determination and would make it OK. That was the first time I had heard that. It was one of the only positive things I can remember her saying about either my brother or me.

I must admit, it was great to back to my HOME in Lansing. I only hope that I have not treated my children the way I was treated. I only hope that I can live up to my admonition to others...

Serve others, care about those you serve and share the love in your heart.

PS: Perhaps the knot in my left shoulder will finally leave me this weekend. My classes are always therapeutic for me.

#132